250+ Good Hilarious Roasts To Expose Fake Friends

Some “friends” deserve a public eviction notice. Here are 250+ good hilarious roasts crafted to expose fake friends so perfectly they’ll block themselves.

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250+ Good Hilarious Roasts to Expose Fake Friends

Fake Loyalty Roasts

Your loyalty changes faster than Wi-Fi bars in a basement.
You’re ride or die — mostly die when things get real.
Your friendship level: “Seen at 23:59” but never there at 00:01.
You’re only loyal until someone with better plans shows up.
Your loyalty expired the day free trials ended.
You’re the human version of a “terms & conditions” agreement.
Loyalty to you is just a suggestion.
You’re loyal like a phone battery at 1%.
Your loyalty comes with fine print nobody reads.
You’d sell my secrets for half a story like.

Two-Faced Classics

You have more faces than a dice factory.
Your personality has a loading screen depending on the audience.
You’re not two-faced, you’re a whole PowerPoint presentation.
Your mask collection deserves its own museum.
You switch up faster than Netflix profiles.
You’re the reason “keep the same energy” was invented.
Your vibe depends on who’s in the room — human mood ring.
You’re bilingual in fake and faker.
Your real face is still buffering.
You’re not fake, you’re limited edition plastic.

Gossip & Backstab Roasts

Your mouth runs faster than Usain Bolt on gossip steroids.
You carry news like it’s oxygen.
My secrets in your mouth expire in 3…2…1…
You’re the reason “loose lips sink ships” exists.
Your tongue deserves a speeding ticket.
You gossip so much even your reflection rolls its eyes.
You’re the human version of a group chat screenshot.
Your favorite sport: running your mouth 100m.
You collect tea like it pays rent.
Your silence is scarier than your talking — means you’re plotting.

Only There for Clout

You show up when the flash is on and vanish when it’s off.
Your friendship is sponsored by likes and ratios.
You’re only around when the story is worth posting.
My success brings you out like a Pokémon evolution.
You’re the human version of a blue tick.
You appear when the picture’s good, vanish when the bill comes.
Your support is strictly for the timeline.
You’re allergic to being there when nobody’s watching.
You love me most when I’m trending.
Your friendship is Wi-Fi dependent.

Broke & Always Borrowing

Your wallet identifies as missing.
You borrow money like it’s a personality trait.
Your favorite line: “I’ll CashApp you later” — later never comes.
You’re the CEO of “I forgot my wallet” Ltd.
Your bank account is just a suggestion.
You treat my wallet like a community center.
Your financial plan is hoping I offer.
You’re so broke the bank sends you sympathy cards.
Your pockets echo when you walk.
You’re the reason Venmo has a block button.

Flaky Behavior Roasts

Your plans cancel themselves when it’s time to show up.
You flake so much you should be a breakfast cereal.
Your reliability is on airplane mode.
You confirm plans like a weather forecast — 30% chance.
You’re the MVP of last-minute excuses.
Your “I’m on my way” means you’re still in bed.
You ghost harder than actual ghosts.
Your calendar must be written in disappearing ink.
You’re not late, you’re just on fake friend time.
Your presence is like a rare Pokémon — nobody’s ever seen it.

Attention Seeker Roasts

Your life is a constant main character syndrome.
Everything is a crisis until someone else has a real one.
Your drama should come with popcorn.
You’re the reason mute buttons exist.
Your life is a reality show nobody asked for.
You turn minor issues into Oscar-worthy performances.
Your mood swings deserve their own weather report.
You’re allergic to chill.
Your problems have problems.
You’re the human version of caps lock.

Jealousy & Hater Roasts

Your jealousy is louder than your support ever was.
You smile in my face and screenshot my wins to hate later.
You’re happy for me the way vegans are happy at a barbecue.
Your compliments come with a side of shade.
You root for me the same way I root for Monday mornings.
Your envy is showing… and it’s not a good look.
You celebrate my downfall like it’s your birthday.
You’re the queen/king of backhanded compliments.
Your hate is just love that lost its way.
You’re mad I’m doing what you said I couldn’t.

Using People Roasts

You network friendships like it’s LinkedIn.
You’re only nice when you need something.
Your kindness has an invoice attached.
You treat people like Uber — only there when you need a ride.
Your friendship is transactional with terrible customer service.
You’re the human version of “what can you do for me?”
You disappear when the favors run out.
Your love language is “what’s in it for me?”
You’re a user with a friendship skin.
You collect people like coupons — only useful when expiring.

Fake Deep & Performative Roasts

Your personality is just copied quotes from Pinterest.
You’re spiritual until the bill comes.
Your activism lasts exactly one story post.
You’re deep like a puddle after rain.
Your personality is just aesthetic mood boards.
You preach loyalty but practice convenience.
Your wisdom is just Google search results.
You’re woke in public, asleep on morals.
Your depth is measured in Instagram filters.
You’re the human version of a motivational poster.

Fake Apologies Roasts

Your “sorry” is as real as your personality.
You apologize like it’s a software update — nobody believes it.
Your sorry comes with terms & conditions.
You say sorry the way politicians say “I’ll fix it.”
Your apology tour deserves a Grammy for fiction.
“My bad” — your life’s theme song.
Your sorry is just a pause button before doing it again.
You apologize like nothing happened… because to you it didn’t.
Your sorry text is saved in my drafts as “recycle bin.”
You’re sorry the way rain is sorry for flooding.

Copycat Behavior Roasts

You copy my vibe like it’s open source.
Your personality is Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V.
You’re not original, you’re factory reset.
My style looks better on me — stop renting it.
You’re the human version of a dupe account.
You copy so much you should pay royalties.
Your whole life is a remix of mine.
You’re not inspired, you’re plagiarized.
You copy homework but it’s my entire personality.
Your originality called — it’s still missing.

Social Climber Burns

You climb people like stairs and discard when you reach the top.
Your friendship is just a ladder with an expiration date.
You network harder than LinkedIn bots.
You’re only friends up.
Your circle grows with clout, shrinks with struggle.
You treat people like elevator buttons — press when needed.
You’re the reason “friend of a friend” exists.
Your loyalty has levels and I’m on the ground floor.
You collect connections like Pokémon cards.
You’re climbing so high you forgot gravity exists.

Dry Texting Experts

Your texting style is “k” with a PhD.
You reply like customer service on a weekend.
Your texts are shorter than your attention span.
You text like you’re being charged per letter.
Your replies are on energy-saving mode.
You type “lol” but haven’t laughed since 2012.
Your texting is drier than Sahara Wi-Fi.
You reply hours later with “dead.”
Your keyboard must be allergic to effort.
You text like you hate me but won’t admit it.

Always Victim Mode

Your life is a permanent victim audition.
Everything happens TO you, never because of you.
You’re the main character in a tragedy nobody signed up for.
Your victim card is platinum with no limit.
You’re offended by air.
Your life motto: “It’s never my fault.”
You cry victim louder than you apologize.
Your trauma is a personality at this point.
You’re allergic to accountability.
You’re the victim until it’s time to take responsibility.

One-Upmanship Roasts

Whatever I do, you did it better… allegedly.
You turn every story into “that’s nothing, listen to this.”
Your life is a constant pissing contest you’re losing.
You one-up condolences — that’s a new low.
My achievements are just your warm-up.
You can’t celebrate without competing.
Your favorite game: “Anything you can do…”
You turn compliments into competitions.
Your ego needs its own zip code.
You’re not happy for me, you’re just measuring.

Fake Crying Skills

Your tears are Oscar-worthy… for fiction.
You cry on command like a Bollywood extra.
Your tears dry faster than your loyalty.
You fake cry better than you fake friendship.
Your tears are on a timer — 30 seconds max.
You cry victim with no actual tears.
Your crocodile tears need a refill.
You cry like it’s a personality trait.
Your tears are made of onion juice.
Your crying face deserves an Emmy for drama.

Group Chat Traitors

You’re loyal to the group chat… until you screenshot it.
You leak info faster than WikiLeaks.
Your fingers type faster in private chats.
You’re the reason we have trust issues.
You play both sides like a politician.
Your loyalty switches with the chat.
You’re the mole nobody voted for.
You expose secrets like it’s your job.
Your screenshots have screenshots.
You’re the reason we type “delete for everyone.”

Birthday Forgetters

You remember my birthday the way you remember favors — never.
Your “happy birthday” is 3 days late every year.
You wish me on my half-birthday by mistake.
Your calendar skips my existence.
You remember everyone’s birthday except the people you “care” about.
Your memory is selective like your friendship.
You post throwbacks but forget the actual day.
Your “belated” is permanent.
You remember my birthday when it’s convenient.
Your wish came fashionably late — as always.

Emergency-Only Contacts

You only call when your life is on fire.
Your emergencies are my inconveniences.
You appear when your other plans cancel.
You’re an emergency contact that never answers.
Your friendship is 911 only.
You text when you need bail, emotional or literal.
Your presence is crisis-activated.
You’re there when it’s convenient for you.
Your friendship is seasonal — disaster season.
You’re the friend version of an ambulance chaser.

Silent Treatment Pros

Your silent treatment is louder than your support.
You ghost like it’s your full-time job.
Your silence speaks volumes — all negative.
You give silent treatment like Olympic medals.
Your read receipts are a weapon.
You disappear better than Houdini.
Your silence is your strongest comeback.
You ignore me like I owe you money.
Your silence is golden — for my peace.
You ghost so much you should be translucent.

Credit Stealer Roasts

You take credit like it’s oxygen.
My ideas in your mouth sound better — allegedly.
You steal shine like it’s your birthright.
Your favorite phrase: “We did it” when I did it.
You’re the king/queen of “I helped.”
Your contribution was existing in the room.
You steal credit faster than you steal Wi-Fi.
Your résumé is 90% my achievements.
You’re the human version of plagiarism.
You claim victories you spectated.

Energy Vampire Lines

Talking to you is a phone on 1% battery.
You drain people like a bad charger.
Your vibe is low battery warning.
You suck energy like a 10-year-old iPhone.
Being around you requires a nap afterward.
Your presence is a productivity killer.
You leave rooms quieter than you found them.
Your energy is permanently on red.
You make coffee quit.
Your aura needs a recharge.

Fake Hype Man Roasts

Your hype lasts exactly one story post.
You gas me up in public, deflate me in private.
Your support is performative art.
You hype me like a sponsored ad.
Your “you got this” is just for the aesthetic.
You cheer loudest when the camera’s on.
Your hype is as real as your loyalty.
You’re a hype man with no volume.
Your encouragement is temporary Wi-Fi.
You hype everyone — means nothing.

Final Goodbye Roasts

Bye, don’t come back with a different personality.
Your exit is the best plot twist.
Deleting your number like I delete spam.
Your absence is the upgrade I needed.
Peace out — my circle just got smaller and better.
Your goodbye was the best gift.
Blocking you is self-care.
Your departure is addition by subtraction.
You leaving is the universe saying thank you.
Goodbye — my energy thanks you.

Why These Good Hilarious Roasts Are Perfect

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Bonus Content: 5×5 Pro Tips

(Exact structure: scenarios, delivery methods, when to use, what to avoid, follow-ups)

Conclusion

You now own 250+ nuclear-level good hilarious roasts to expose fake friends and reclaim your peace. Use them, laugh, and watch your circle upgrade instantly.

FAQs

Q: Is it okay to roast a fake friend publicly?
If they were never private about using you, why should you be?
Q: Best roast for a chronic borrower?
“You’re the reason Venmo has a block button.”
Q: What if they cry after I roast them?
Hand them a tissue made of their fake apologies.
Q: Can these save a toxic friendship?
No — they’re designed to end it beautifully.
Q: How do I know they’re fake for sure?
When these roasts feel like reading their biography.